Refined

In the final episode of Sex and the City Carrie is in Paris with that pitiful Aleksandr Petrovsky, her Russian artist boyfriend at the time. While in Paris she loses her infamous nameplate necklace. In a scene where she’s coming to the realization that Petrovsky is not her guy and she’s grappling to find her identity, she reaches into her vintage Dior purse to discover a hole in the silk lining. Out of that hole she pulls her beloved script necklace and in that moment she races into the arms of Big and back to New York life with her girls, a life she embraces and a life spent with those she loves.

Now back to reality.

I too have a beloved script necklace, though mine reads Lil Flip. Elegant is exactly the word I use to describe this piece of jewelry. I was gifted this necklace back in college and no matter the outfit or occasion, this necklace was worn everyday. For me, every piece of jewelry that I wear must have meaning.  Lil Flip encapsulated a time when I began to explore my vulnerability and during that time I began to claim my identity. As life morphed over the past several years, as it does naturally, the everyday jewelry transitioned to new pieces with different stories. Lil Flip was hung in the jewelry box for a few years and in some sense, was forgotten.

I was doing a lot of searching this past year. Two months ago if you had asked me what I was searching for exactly, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you.

Imagine sitting in a snowstorm at the bottom of a giant hill in a car without four-wheel drive. You shift to the lowest gear to trudge up the hill but every time you push the gas pedal it’s a little too hard and because you don’t exactly know what you’re doing, you just spin out. The only thing on your mind is getting to the top of the hill and because of that, everything else in your life freezes. That’s a lot like this past year. I know where I ultimately want to be in life but getting there isn’t exactly straightforward. The next step in my life isn’t defined because once you pass a certain point no one is standing there telling you what to do; it’s all up to me.

Over the holidays the ordinary Saturday morning tidy session turned into an all day purge event. While digging though my jewelry box I pulled out Lil Flip, shined her up real nice, and clasped her around my neck.

I was instantly reminded of the moments in my life when I was wearing this necklace and I wanted to feel that again. I want that optimistic spirit back and I want to enjoy each day and be proud of the life I’m living. I’m tired of waiting for that moment in life when sparks supposedly fly and everything is just perfect. Instead, I’m going to create those sparks myself.

I’ve come back to The Loft Talk because this is a place that challenged my vulnerability, made me accountable, and kept me thinking. I don’t know what this space will morph into but I do know that I feel alive and that one day I’ll figure it out but until then I’m going to embrace all of the days in between. Here we go.